How To Report The News

Sunday, 31 January, 2010

UK Guardian columnist Charlie Brooker has this interesting and funny take on the news language, and “How To Report The News” in the following clip.

Here is an excerpt from Charlie’s column “‘Take Me Out is a cross between Blind Date and Boots’ Here Come The Girls campaign’

If you’re not familiar with the [TV show] format (maybe you had harpsichord practice last Saturday), it’s a studio-based cross between Blind Date and Boots’ mortifying Here Come The Girls campaign. I’m willing to bet Here Come The Girls was a working title. It’s hosted by Paddy McGuinness, who arrives on the studio floor by descending down a huge glittery pipe, like a showbiz turd being flushed into the nation’s lap. He introduces 30 women – yes, 30 – who march in jiggling their tits and blowing kisses at the camera, cackling and screaming and winking like a hen night filling the front row at a Wham! reunion. It’s a crash course in misogyny.

The girls line up behind a row of illuminated podiums, and the first of the men arrives, sliding down the same pipe Paddy used earlier (if you’ll pardon the expression). Said bloke must impress the women by speaking, dancing, performing party tricks, and so on, like a jester desperately trying to stave off his own execution at the hands of a capricious female emperor. If he does a back-flip and six of the girls didn’t like the way his buttocks shook as he landed, they switch their podium lights off, thereby whittling down his selection of available mates, and by extension, the gene pool.

[…] The clever bit – in format terms at any rate – is that the girls return each week, so we get to know their “characters”. And they’re all “characters”. There are mouthy ones, stupid ones, sweet ones, gothic ones, young ones, old ones, and identical twin ones. All human life is here, apart from anyone you’d actually want to spend the rest of your days with. Or more than about an hour on a Saturday night, come to that.In summary: yes, it’s horrible. But that’s its job.


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